Allen's Delicious Mission
by ariathal2410
Summary: On a routine mission after the destruction of HQ, the exorcists meet an Akuma with a very... interesting shape. It meets a terrible fate named Allen Walker. Dark Humor?, CRACK


_**Rating:**_ T, I don't _think_ it deserves an M...

 _ **Genre:**_ Humor, mostly...

 **WARNINGS:** lots of crack, dark humor?, most likely OOC, it's not _technically_ cannibalism but I need to put something here... You have been warned!

 _Disclaimer:_ don't own anything but me

 **AN:** This is just another random idea that popped into my head and refused to leave. Hope you enjoy ~

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The Order had finally gotten back into a semi-normal routine after the destruction of the previous HQ, and had started sending out their exorcists again. It was a hectic sight, finders and scientists running around in chaos trying to get everything transferred and prepared. They had just recently enlisted Timothy into their ranks, and now Allen, Lavi, Kanda, Lenalee and Link had been assigned a mission in a barren area with a large temple.

"They say that in the center of the temple there is a lush forest, completely contradictory to the area surrounding it. We believe it's an Innocence shard, and so do the Noah. There have been several recent Akuma sightings in the nearby towns and villages, and talk of strange people passing through for supplies." Komui explained. The team left shortly afterwards, the supervisor getting called by many scientists trying to figure out where everything was supposed to go.

It was a long trip, filled with boredom and death threats ("I swear to god, rabbit..."," _Lavi~_ "), but eventually they made it to the temple. It was a beautiful structure, though partially crumbling, it still stood tall in the middle of a large barren landscape. They were immediately met with resistance. Allen's eye activated as soon as the temple was in sight, Akuma bee lining for them as they made their way towards it. The enemy was quickly disposed off, their numbers consisting of Level 1's and a scarce few Level 2's.

"That was easy." Lavi remarked brightly as they made their way inside. Allen's eye immediately deactivated.

"I think it just got a little more complicated..." He remarked, seeing a person coming their way. It soon morphed into yet another Level 1. They destroyed it easily, though the knowledge of Allen's inactive eye left them on high alert. After seemingly endless numbers of Akuma, the exorcists finally made it to the center of the temple, a lush forest lying in wait for them. As they continued through the dense mass of trees, they noticed less Akuma as they went, finally coming across an open clearing. Waiting for them in the center were two Noah and a very strangely shaped Akuma.

"Hi Allen~!" Road called happily, waving a lollipop she was snacking on.

"Road." The white-haired teen greeted tersely. He turned his attention to the Noah beside her. Tyki smirked at him predatorily.

"Hello there, boy~" He purred, a slightly sadistic glint entering his eyes.

"Tyki." Allen greeted once more, finally allowing his eyes to settle on the Akuma accompanying them. He blinked.

"Is that...?" Lavi started. Resting just off the ground was a strange Akuma indeed, it was shaped just like Allen's favourite food: Mitarashi Dango. The Akuma consisted of three balls of dough, lightly drizzled with sauce and held together by a thin stick. A stick with a mouth and eyes...

"Dango~" Allen sung happily, stars appearing in his eyes as he stared at the beautiful creature in front of him.

"Allen?" Lavi questioned hesitantly as he saw the younger teen slowly start forward, drool seeping from the corner of his mouth. The Noah stared at the white-haired teen inquisitively as the Akuma moved in front of them to battle.

"Ha ha ha! You've never met a foe like me before!" It crowed cockily, but Allen wasn't paying attention. The Akuma made a vague noise of distress as it was ignored, not sure what to do as the teen continued forward. Nobody knew exactly what Allen was doing, until he finally made it to the Akuma's side. He reverently placed his hands on the Akuma, gently petting it with one while the other kept it steady. He then slowly leaned forward and bit it. The Akuma let out an ungodly screech as Allen's teeth sunk into it's soft dough. Everyone's jaw _dropped_.

Kanda and Link were the quickest to recompose themselves, shutting their mouths and mostly schooling their features. Though neither could quite hide the slight horror at the sight before them. Road was next, bursting into a fit of laughter. She doubled over, one hand on her stomach and the other pointing at the Akuma currently getting eaten alive by her favourite exorcist. Lenalee's jaw finally snapped shut, though her features still radiated shock. Tyki took a cigarette out of his packet and put it into his mouth, distractedly lighting it up. Lavi still had his jaw hanging as he unabashedly stared at his best friend. His best friend who was now wrestling the Dango Akuma which had started thrashing around to get the teen off of itself. But Allen attached himself firmly, clinging to his prey like a koala so he couldn't be shaken off. He took another bite, finally tearing a chunk of dough off and happily chewing it as the Akuma shrieked. Flowers appeared all around the teen as he swallowed the dough and licked his lips, a small amount of drool escaping his lips.

"Dango~!" He sung again, happily taking another bite mere seconds after. The Akuma screeched once more, thrashing harder and taking off into the forest. They all stared after them, listening to the slowly diminishing cries of distressed Dango.

"What do we do if he gets lost?" Links asks offhandedly, staring off into the expanse of trees. Lavi slowly turned to look at him, staring at him as if he were crazy. Link shrugged noncommittally, still looking slightly queasy. It didn't seem to be a problem though. They all perked up, listening intently as the sound of screaming got closer once again. The Akuma appeared back in the clearing, still thrashing violently to get rid of its new attachment.

"Help me~!" The Dango screamed, zigzagging around the clearing before taking off back into the forest. They listened as the screaming became distant again. This time it didn't disappear completely, once more starting to get louder as the Akuma came closer. It reappeared in a different area, zooming through the clearing screaming at the tops of it's lungs.

"Master Noah, _please save me_ ~!" It begged, disappearing not long after. It didn't take long to reappear once more, from yet another place.

"Ah!" It screeched as Allen took another vicious bite. It disappeared for another few moments, before reappearing again.

" _Save me_ , _**save me**_!" It screeched, going so far as to start spinning and flipping. Allen didn't like that however. The teen growled threateningly, freezing the Akuma in its tracks. It didn't get a chance to escape again.

"Clown Belt!" Allen called, white tendrils coming to wrap around the Akuma's stick and the surrounding trees, tying the Akuma down and keeping it steady.

" _No_!" It screamed, but was silenced before long by another tendril from Crowned Clown. With a wicked and hungry grin, Allen dug into his meal with fervour. They all stared in horror as the Dango struggled in it's trap, the white-haired teen devouring it whole heartedly.

"What does it taste like...?" Lenalee asked faintly, watching Allen with rapt attention. Lavi gave her a horrified look.

" _Lena_?!" He questioned in panic, though it came out more of a high pitched shriek. She shrugged sheepishly. Allen grinned at her happily.

"It tastes really good!" He chirped enthusiastically, even going so far as to rip a handful of dough off and hold it out for her. Lenalee gulped visibly, Lavi watching her with horror as she started moving forward. Road had collapsed on the ground by this point, barely breathing as she clutched her stomach with both arms, tears of mirth leaking from her eyes. Lenalee headed over slowly, hesitating obviously. Lavi's hand hung in the air, half-heartedly calling her back.

She continued towards the white-haired teen, finally coming to a stop an arm's length away. She gulped as she stared at the offered dough. Slowly she reached out, hesitating once more, before finally taking it. Allen gave her an encouraging grin, Lavi shaking his head in denial. She closed her eyes, opened her mouth and took a bite. After a moment of thoughtful chewing and a large gulp, she finally opened her eyes

"Wow... It's actually pretty good..." She murmured, taking another bite. Allen nodded happily in agreement.

"I think I'm gonna be sick..." Lavi muttered, still horror-struck as his hand returned to hold his stomach. Allen didn't pay any mind to the teen, going straight back to eating. It took an unreasonably short amount of time for the teen to finish his meal, waterfalls of tears cascading from the stick of an Akuma that was left.

By the time it was over, Road had finally managed to get off the ground again. Though she was still hiccupping with laughter every now and then. A mournful sound came from the Dango Akuma's covered mouth as Allen happily licked his fingers clean. The white-haired teen laid back with a satisfied huff, creating a makeshift hammock with his Innocence so he had a nice place to nap. Tyki took the cigarette out of his mouth, releasing a large puff of smoke. He stared at Allen and gave him an incredibly serious look as he pointed at the recently eaten Akuma.

"We have more where that came from..." He promised intently.

"Really?!" Allen asked excitedly, stars in his eyes as he leaned out of his makeshift hammock.

"Allen, _no_!" Lavi screeched in horror, while Lenalee yelled more sternly. Road was on the ground again.

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~ THE END ~

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 **AN:** Woops... It's kind of horrifying if you really think about it, but it's portrayed in a light way at the same time? Wasn't sure what to rate it and what genre's it should be though... Any suggestions? Also has anybody else been having trouble with notifications about reviews and stuff? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the story! Have an Omake.

 _ **Omake:**_ Head Nurse, and the Earl's Poor, Poor Akuma

"Link, where are we going?" Allen questioned innocently as they left Komui's office after their mission report. The supervisor had been looking noticeably green after Allen's very detailed report about the Mitarashi Dango Incident.

"The Head Nurse." Link informed curtly.

"Eh? Why? I feel fine, and I didn't receive any injuries on the mission. The Noah left right after I destroyed the Akuma, said the Earl was calling them or something..." Allen wondered, tilting his head slightly to the side in confusion. Link's eye twitched visibly.

"We need to get your head checked." Link informed tersely.

"Eh?"

 _Meanwhile in the Ark..._

The Earl rocked back and forth in the corner of his room, tears in his eyes as he muttered to himself. It was a never ending string of "my poor, poor Akuma..." and other variants of the sentence. Tyki and Road were standing in the doorway, staring worriedly at their leader.

"Maybe we shouldn't have let Allen do that..." Tyki mumbled, though he still couldn't help the slight smirk that slipped onto his lips. Road nodded her head in agreement as she quietly licked a lollipop, just barely containing her own smirk. The Earl shuddered violently.


End file.
